So, as with anywhere, there are a lot of laws in Florida that don’t seem to make any sense. Both local laws and state laws that just make you go hmm… So, for your entertainment, here are some of those and my immediate impression of them. Do remember that it is likely that many of these would not be illegal if someone hadn’t done it. The source for these laws is http://www.stupidlaws.com/ so I do not speak to the veracity of these laws, but only my impression of them on the assumption they are real.
State laws
1. Unmarried women are prohibited from parachuting on Sunday under the penalty of arrest, fine, and/or jailing. Don’t ask me why this would be true. Apparently, married women can parachute, just not unmarried ones. What gives?!
2. Doors of all public buildings must open outwards. I’m guessing sliding doors and revolving doors must not be defined as “doors” in this law?
3. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. I have to admit I agree with this law. Besides, wouldn’t it hurt?
4. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. So, who left their elephant tied to a parking meter? Because I’m sure this came about because somebody did it and contested the ticket in court since they weren’t operating a motor vehicle.
5. It is against the law to dream about another man’s wife or cow. First of all, how do they enforce this law and second of all, what is he doing dreaming about the cow?
6. It is against the law to put livestock on a school bus. I can’t even imagine how this came about.
7. It is illegal for men over 60 to wear yellow ties while singing the national anthem. What, are we afraid of the old man gangs? Who knows.
8. It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road. I think it is about time to challenge this and go out and place blockades on all the wagon roads. Oh yeah…there aren’t any.
9. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a bathing suit. I’m guessing this has something to do with drunk college students and spring break.
10. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. So, a guy can wear a dress, just not a strapless one? What? Too much chest hair?
11. The penalty for a horse theft is death by hanging. I guess Florida never quite got out of the old west days? So, we can steal a car and get jail time, but don’t you dare steal a horse.
12. Rats are forbidden from leaving the ships docked in Tamp Bay. I just want to know…what do they do to the rats that break this law and how do they even know if “this” rat came from a ship?
13. The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs not to be confined in cages. This is why the state changed the constitution to require a 60 percent vote to pass a constitutional amendment because before that, everything could be an amendment, even keeping your caged pigs out of their cages if they are pregnant.
14. When having sex, only the missionary position is legal. Whatever.
15. You may not fart in a public place after 6 p.m. on Thursdays. Umm…but it is perfectly fine the rest of the time?
16. You may not kiss your wife’s breasts. What’s with this one…so…what…you can’t kiss your spouse’s breasts, but what, can you kiss someone else’s breasts? Whatever.
17. Hunting and killing deer while swimming is illegal. How would one even do this? If you are shooting at it while in the water, I’d wager you are sinking, not swimming.
Of course, local laws and ordinances are sometimes some of the funniest things you can ever imagine, so I’m including some of them as well.
Local laws
Cape Coral – A $50 fine will be levied on anyone who allows a couch to sit in their carport. So, I guess Cape Coral must have quite the couch leaving epidemic. How could we possibly think this is a problem unless the couches are just left there to rot.
Pensacola – A woman can be fined after death for being electrocuted in a bathtub because of using self beautification utensils. I’m not even sure what this means, but I’m pretty sure the electrocuted woman (also known as dead person) won’t care if she gets fined.
Seaside – All houses must have white picket fences and full-width, two-story porches. This sounds like the perfect example of a homeowner’s association run amok.
Key West – Chickens are considered a ‘protected species’. I’m pretty sure they serve chicken on the menu, so I’m guessing there is some sort of wild chicken running around the Florida keys? Otherwise…
Pensacola – Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person. Really?! Why not!?
Miami – It is illegal to park your elephant on 8th street on Sundays after 1 p.m. So, did the guy who got the fine for parking his elephant in the first place also bring this law about by parking it after 1 on Sunday? What’s with this?!
Destin – It is illegal to sell ice cream in a cemetery. Really?! This is where the vendor thought they’d see enough traffic to make money? I guess someone thought we needed to make this illegal to protect people from their own stupidity.
Miami – It is illegal to imitate animals. I guess this is intended to keep the animal imitators from getting shot by hunters or eaten by alligators?
Miami – No one may bring a pig with them to a theater. Having lived in Miami, that pretty much says it all.
Tampa – Women may not expose their breasts while performing a “topless dance”. I guess it wouldn’t qualify as topless then, so…I’m confused.
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